amyrosewinter

02:59 pm: Shit.
I'm just being paranoid. I KNOW I'm just being paranoid. It must just be a coincidence.

There's a commercial for some clothing store, whose mascot is named "Amy-Rose".

It's a coincidence. It's ONLY a coincidence.

So, why do I feel like I'm being watched at all times?

Lukah spent the night last night. He calls me "Rapunzel". He says its because he has to climb up to find me in my tall white tower in the woods and that someday, he'll make me come down. I can't make myself tell him that I can't come down, not even for a moment. I love him and he loves me. He loves a broken doll, with no heart and no joy. I'm a cold, dead, piece of metal and rock and thread. I think that I love and that I feel, but what does a clock feel? I don't have hormones or nerves or anything. All I have are electrical impulses and memories of sensations and reactions. I react like a woman in love because Lukah loves me. But, I don't even know if I'm really in love with him.

I hate the Roaches. I hate them more than anything. They make me doubt everything, my emotions, my safety, my every waking moment. Work has been so surreal lately, I have to wonder if any of this is real or if the Roaches are just messing with my head, making me dream that I escaped.

Makes me wish I were Summer Court and could feed off my own emotions. I'd be throwing off Contracts all day.

Tags: ic, ic development, ic troubles, rants

10:35 pm: Lonely nights...
Lukah is a sweetie, but when I wake up screaming? I want to know I can go talk to my own kind. Work has been hell. I miss Myca and Mr. Forthright and, hell, I even miss Fickle, the twit.

And summer's coming on. Shit. The murder rate is gonna spike, meaning work is gonna be hell. AGAIN.

Somedays, it's not worth crawling out of the muck.

Tags: ic troubles

02:53 pm: In faith, lady, you have a merry heart. Out o' question, you were born in a merry hour.

No, sure, my lord, my mother cried. But then there was a star danced. And under that, was I born...

Okay, it's Spring. Winter fought valiantly, but she'll have to wait her turn. In the meantime, Summer is picking a fight with Spring, now. 82-fucking -degrees, God help me. It's APRIL, f'r Chrissake!

My hedgespun isn't ready yet. It needs mending. But I have a nice white sundress and lace shawl, that ought to look pretty with green jewelry. Maybe if I can find that pink barrette of mine.

I'm still tempted to recite from Poe, or sing a good Irish song (y'know the type, let's go out and open a vein). But, it's Spring. I should probably stick with "Marble Halls" or something else soppy like that.

Tags: ic troubles

10:43 pm: When the Queen wants candy...
Damn her! Damn her from her white hot scalp to those dainty little toes of hers!

I TOLD her, give me time to prepare for Spring Homecoming! I'm her fucking Lady-in-Fucking-Waiting, not a damn miracle worker! My hedgespun is being cleaned! What the hell am I supposed to wear to this Clambake?

Damn it, Ember!

Well, at least we're having it. I'm tempted to recite some Awful Willies, just for spite. To stay in Her Most Serene Majesty's good graces, I'd better dig out that one about daffodils.

God DAMN it, Ember!

Tags: ic troubles

01:13 am: My little lost star...
Today, Ethan Connor Callahan would have been 24 years old.

I know you're still out there, brat.

Come home.

Please.

Tags: ic development, ic troubles

09:38 am: Addendum
Satan MacRoche is LIKEWISE banned from picking the damn field trips! I don't DO Hedge Walking, OKAY!?

Tags: ic development, ic troubles

12:20 pm: OOC: Winter Formal
(Cross-posted to http://twistdfateangel.livejournal.com)

So, it's looking more and more like Richmond's Winter Formal will be Leap Year Eve (how fitting). I could wear my champagne gown, but, it's not quite wintery enough for me. I know I still have that crinkly satin in the closet, and I wonder if my prom dress pattern could be altered to be a touch more Victorian. I'm having visions now of Amy, in a corset and stockings, at her mirror, primping to the Marie Antoinette soundtrack.

I know I still have those black ribbon roses, which would make cute little accents against the white. I'm going for stark and glam, black, white, ruby, sapphire, rhinestones. My glass slippers underneath. A black domino mask with white rhinestones and white and silver ribbons.

And there must be someway to look properly metallic and patched together!

Tags: oc development

12:00 pm: OC: Cataloguing Amy's Outfits and Wish List
--White top, pleated back of the collar, very modern, casual
--Purple blouse, with attached cravat
--Pink button-down men's shirt
--Red stretch shirt
--Black ladies tuxedo, jacket and pants
--Black leather skirt
--Black and gray plaid skirt
--Black velvet skirt
--Black pinstripe pants
--Black velvet dress
--Black babydoll dress
--White sundress

Wishlist

--White evening gown
--Black (or gray) and white pinstripe Victorian evening gown
--Black and white evening gown
--More shirts/blouses (Victorian)
--More pinstripe suits
--Ruffly doll outfits

Tags: oc development, ooc development

01:16 pm: We are not allowed to let Fickle pick the field trips anymore
Pocahontas State Park, in the rain, in winter, in the dead of night, is NOT A GOOD IDEA! I don't care if the Winter Crown is out there. Guess what? THE IMPORTANT ONE ISN'T THE PHYSICAL ONE! So help me, the next time Fickle wants us running around in the dark after dire wolves, or crowns, or lollipops or monkeys or whatever? I'll smash him. I swear I will.

Tags: ic development, ic troubles

09:02 am: I'm a glutton for punishment...
I have enough Glamour riding around in my pocket to keep me till August. If only the price weren't so damn steep.

I feel lightheaded. Earth is Hell. Arcadia's just an annex. NOT that I want to go back, but, at least over there you know who the nutters are: everybody.

Guys eating their girlfriends with knife and fork. People throwing their children off of bridges. Toddlers watching Daddy stab Mommy. It's like I never left. There are people in this town, Lost like me, who say I'm being the grasshopper and they're the ants. I'd like THEM to spend Christmas afternoon in my office, eating a stale piece of shortbread between comforting a mother and fetching crayons for a terrified two-year-old and realizing your own parents died 21 years ago and you won't make it to their grave, but god forbid you show personal weakness on the job.

I swear to God, I will DECK the next son of bitch who says I've been lazy.

At least, Lukah knows better!

Tags: ic development, ic troubles

12:30 pm: *gazes longingly at her closet*

Why can't they make Gothloli in real people sizes? I don't care if I'm crying over money, but crying over fit is insulting.

Also, how does one prevent tarnish on one's damn collars? I have a lovely new party frock I don't dare try on because its got a white collar and it'll have black all around it after a day.

...I'm so fucking vain...

Tags: ic development, ic troubles

09:51 am: What the hell?
I wouldn't have even noticed at first. But, all of the clocks in my house, my office and on my person stopped telling time. All of them started counting down to the New Year. I was out clubbing that night, trying to ignore the fact that every time piece I owned from my computer and cell phone, to that little faberge egg pendant Lukah gave me, was probably going to explode at midnight.

Then, nothing. I checked my watch and phone as I was going home. Everything was fine.

I'm sleeping with a cast-iron skillet under my bed until I know what the fuck is happening.

Tags: ic troubles

02:24 pm: Happy Holidays!
Office Holiday Party+Two glasses Champagne+1 glass real, honest-to-God, wassail+1 glass homemade mead=1 ho-ho-oh-god hangover.

Apparently, you don't need small children for a Christmas morning alarm clock. A large, exhuberant dog will do nicely.

10:50 pm: I'm not a coward. I'm not.

Really.

No matter what some fucker of a hobgoblin says.

I'm not a coward. I TRIED to save Ethan. I quit using. I'm not a coward. I'm brave, really I am. I'm cautious. How do I know what would have happened if I'd given my nightmare up? Anyway, we have it, and now, I have my burden of shame to bear. My nightmares will serve as reminder that I failed Max. Not because I was afraid, though. I am NOT a coward. I have never been a coward and I never will be.

I'm not a fucking coward

Tags: ic development, ic troubles

10:06 am: Murphy, did I offend you somehow?
So first, Max dies. I'm still in mourning. Then, it turns out he was holding back the Triad. Fuck. Then there's this bullshit at work about whether or not my Security Check actually went through so now I have to wait for it to go through AGAIN. At least, I'm getting paid while I'm at it. Double fuck.

God, I need about two hours of veg time on Guild Wars and about a gallon of really good dessert wine. Followed by a mojito the size of my damn head. I'm not a drinker, everybody knows that. But, oh my god, this is like pulling fucking teeth out of a crocodile's mouth. And, on top of it, someone keeps leaving flowers on my doorstep. They're pretty, but I'm running out of room and vases to put them in or graves to put them on.

*headdesk* Ugh.

Tags: ic development, ic troubles

09:50 am: Dream Journal 04/16/05
So, last night I dreamed about Kirk. I don't know why. I don't hate him, but I've certainly gotten over him. I think. I mean, I was 19. I was hardly in any position to know shit about my feelings.

We were in DC. It was cherry blossom time and we were both all gussied up like a samurai and a geisha. It was like a memory, rather than a dream and I remember feeling so happy. Then I tagged him and took off running. I don't know why, tag is a stupid game to try and play in a kimono, unless you really feel the whole world needs to know what color panties you're wearing.

Anyway, he bamfs right in front of me and grabs me. We're laughing and kissing and then he's gone. Just like he was never there at all. I call for him, and my voice sounds all wrong. Thin, frail, like I have a sore throat and sang arias for 24 hours straight. I try again, and this time all I hear is the north wind, cold and menacing, but subtle and brittle. The wind kicks up and blows some blossoms off the trees and I watch them turn to snowflakes in mid-air, kissing my cheeks with frost.

I know I have to find Kirk, so I start walking, but before I can go more than a few steps, I fall and feel too weak to get up. There's feet coming towards me on all sides. I'll be surrounded in a moment. I can't see anyone, but, my feet feel like they've been thrust into a furnace, my hand tingles and the other feels wet.

The other seasons are coming, but Winter wants dominance. She wants to be top dog, but she's gonna have to wait her turn now, with everybody else.

I don't think she's happy about it.

Tags: dreams, ic development

10:28 am: Dream Journal 12/02/04
It was the one about Macbeth this time. The one where I forget my lines and get sick on stage. I saw the old crone's face clearer this time, or rather, her mask. It was a white wolf, stark against her black hooded cloak. Everyone was masked, though I was sure I saw Tristis and Kuei in the crowd. I had a mask, though I couldn't figure out where it had come from. It was a white mouse, which may be a subconcious pun or possibly just a message. These dreams are all messages lately. I hate that. I'd like some acknowledgment at least that I have something else besides the freehold to think about, like getting my ass out of this dead-end secretary job. I hate all this typing. I swear it's gonna give me carpal tunnel or some shit.

Tags: dreams, ic development

06:23 pm: Paper Trail
((Nicked lovingly from ANCDRPG. I love you guys!))

--Social Services file, listing her name as "Amy-Rose Thorne". Now closed.
--Adoption and legal name change papers for "Amy-Rose Cisneros"
--Rehab clinic files from March, April, June and August of 2001
--Programs from Lucy Snow Academy Drama Club, for the Plays "Into The Woods" (Little Red Riding Hood), "As You Like It" (Rosalind), "The Devil's Disciple" (Essie), and "The Importance of Being Earnest" (Cecily Cardew)
--Issues of Lucy Snow Academy's annual literary magazine, "Nevada", short stories "The Devil's Clock" and "Olivia"

Tags: ooc development

11:19 pm: Coming Back Home, In Her Own Words

I remember having a companion when I got back, though the others who fled with us went away after a time. I think I got as far as Charlottesville, peeking into every pediatric ward on the way like God-damned Shirley Temple. I refused to believe. I KNEW Ethan was dead, but I wouldn't believe it. I can see his face in my head, my companion's face. Like a lizard, scaly, hairless, sinister. But he kept me out of trouble, until Child Services picked me up in a graveyard, screaming at a tombstone.

I was screaming because it was Ethan's.

My official papers for Child Services called me "Jane Doe, approx.16 years old, Hispanic Female." I told them, My name's Maria Cleofilas Callahan. They said, You're either crazy or a liar. Maria C. Callahan's been dead since '86. I said, Bull, I'M Maria C. Callahan! They said, no, you aren't. Give us another name. I said, yes, they said, no, lather, rinse, repeat. Finally, I threw up my hands and spat out the frilliest, girliest name I could think up. "Amy-Rose", I told them. It stuck.

They lead you to believe that the orphan homes of modern society are happy humane little meadows, full of kind, smiling kids. Bull. Shit. See, the adults can be as nice as apple pie, but the kids feel the need to establish the pecking order. I was shy and broken already, so I was easy pickings. I sleepwalked for a while there, sleeping next to the beds of my roommates on my coat, because it was familiar. That turned some heads. I sat off to the side at playtime, reading or daydreaming. They poked and shoved and yelled. I just let them. What else could I do?

Then shit started to disappear from their stuff. All in the middle of the night, while I was fast asleep. What? Quit laughing, it's true! The lizard fella? He was looking out for me. Didn't realize he was doing more harm than good. Eventually, somebody put two and two together and realized only the kids who'd been nasty to me were losing things. Suddenly, I wasn't just the weird quiet kid. I was a witch.

Thank God, they called Azucena Cisneros. She was a foster mom who specialized in emotionally disturbed kids, which is how they filed me. We took one look at each other and I felt so relieved. She was Lost too. She got it. She took me home to Charlottesville and kept me away from other Lost, mostly because there weren't any. That was how she liked it then. She liked her privacy. Nowadays, she's social again, but then? You couldn't drag her to a Freehold.

Which might have saved my ass in the long run.

Tags: ic development

12:23 pm:

I'll do more with "Kite-flying" later. Right now, I want to address something of an issue.

Is it wrong of me to be angry with the ST because he buggered up my character's history? This is the fourth time I've revised Amy's history to fit the game. The first three times, it was to make it more plausible. There was no way a seven-year-old could have remembered enough about her old life at 14 to have escaped Arcadia. So I went with it.

Now, apparently the only recent time that a hole in the Hedge in Richmondhas opened up is Hurricane Gustav (sp?) when Shockoe Bottom flooded. Which was all of three years ago. Which cheeses me off, because most of Amy's background hinges on her having a rough time in high school. I created her to be useful in a way that wouldn't muscle in on anyone else's rackets. This requires her to have had at least two years of college and a degree. Nothing in the books says that the whole starting lineup for a freehold needs to show up in the same escape run. And the way my character's past is, she probably wouldn't have been with anyone else's Keeper. She escaped before they did, meaning she's been through the wringer and can help bring others through as well. She's a counselor. She sits people down and comforts them and tries to help them cope with the fact that Earth is not Arcadia, we aren't in an episode of Leave It To Beaver, and our life sucks moose.

I'm having a hard time seeing how she can do that if she's only three years out of the gate and greener than a chameleon in the grass. Call me a bitch, but, I just can't.

I can compromise. Sure, she's been here seven years. But, not in Richmond. Fredericksburg, then, or Charlottesville. Her foster mom was sick and tired of Lost politics in her Freehold, so she moved and set herself up in a city with few to no Lost. But, she had herself set up as a foster mom specializing in emotionally disturbed children. A few of her wards were Lost, including Amy, but most were just normal kids who had someone, somewhere, do something awful to them. Then, with Amy being the last of her set, she and her foster mom heard about the new Freehold and decided it was time to go back to being social people, so Amy came down and went to college here and Azucena (foster mom) set up shop again.

I think it sounds more than fair. Richmond was where Amy/Maria was born and raised, so it stands to reason she would jump at going back. That way, I don't muck up the AVST's history of the City, and I can keep my character background.

Tags: ooc development, rants